


thrusting my head straight through the fucking glass

by calumbear



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer
Genre: Depression, Drug Addiction, Drug Use, M/M, Multi, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Touring, they're all in a metal band
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-12
Updated: 2015-01-12
Packaged: 2018-03-07 08:32:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3168338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calumbear/pseuds/calumbear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Michael isn't shocked, it's no secret that Luke is completely and utterly obsessed with death. Except this admission is almost worrying, it's the closest that Luke has come to telling him that he wants to end it. "You're telling me that we're stood here because you could jump to your death?"</p><p>"Yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you." Luke smiles so brightly. He's happy because if anyone will understand him, Michael will.</p><p>"You're not going to do it are you?" The cars rumble past beneath them and the lights of the city keep shining as these two insignificant boys talk about something insignificant to this big city.</p>
            </blockquote>





	thrusting my head straight through the fucking glass

**Author's Note:**

> If you are triggered easily by suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts, self harm or heavy drug use then please give this fic a miss. 
> 
> It's been far too long since I posted anything, but I've had this written for about a year and I thought it was finally time to finish it off and post it. 
> 
> Let me know what you think, part two will be up within the next few days.

"I want this moment to last forever." Luke breathes gently. He's stood on Brooklyn Bridge, leaning against the mesh fence and looking down at the traffic below and then further across to the water surrounding it. "I've never felt like this before." He continues, voice being carried by the harsh November wind. It's a delirious feeling, like he's finally free. He's thinking about how easy it would be to jump off of this landmark, how easy it would be for him to climb up and just jump. Luke thinks about dying everyday, he romanticises suicide in song lyrics and writes a new method of ending it all in his journal everyday. Somehow though, when given the perfect opportunity he never follows through. He carries razor blades in his pocket, there's several bottles of painkillers in his bathroom cabinet, his ceiling fan would hold if he strung himself from it and now he's stood on the Brooklyn Bridge but he still won't do it. Luke's addicted to the feeling of freedom and suicide would give him freedom, but he has the freedom to choose suicide and he doesn't feel it's the right time to choose that option yet.

"Luke, you look high." Michael mentions, Luke knows it's a question. They've been walking around New York together all night, after their gig Luke was buzzed and needed to chase the feeling he was addicted to. Michael had just hung back and snapped a few pictures of the city on his phone while Luke strolled around searching out something to make the thoughts stop, to make him not want to end it.

"I got a hit from Calum." Luke grins at him. Michael should have noticed, Luke was frustrated and tearing his hair out looking for a feeling that Michael couldn't help him find.

"Where was my hit?" Michael complains, jealous that Luke's experiencing New York with all his senses heightened from the line he bummed of off Calum.

"I've got a joint, if you want it." Luke offers him. Michaels not going to turn down that offer, he wants to watch the headlights from the cars below turn hazy and blur together. He wants to feel what his best friend feels, because Luke is rarely as happy as he is in this moment. So Michael takes the joint from Luke, places it between his lips and shields it from the wind while he lights up.

"Tell me a secret." Luke demands.

"Why?" Michael questions him.

"Because I want to tell you a secret, but I need you to go first." He mumbles as he bites his lip.

"I slept with Amy." Michael replies, he's never told anyone but it's been tearing him up inside with guilt. If Luke wants to share secrets, standing on Brooklyn Bridge and high out of his mind then Michael will go along with it.

"Shit." Luke whistles. "Does Ash know?" Michael just stares at him, as if to say 'Why the fuck would I tell Ashton I slept with his little sister?!' and Luke seems to get the message.

"Spill your secret, Hemmings." Michael says as he exhales smoke rings that get blown away by the wind as soon as they escape his chapped lips.

"I'm in love." Luke says, not breaking eye contact with Michael. He's been itching to say something about this feeling that's clawing away at his stomach all the fucking time.

"Okay." Michael responds as he takes a long drag of the joint he's getting a buzz from. "With who?"

"Not a person." Luke says as he tugs at his hair, he's frustrated, the coke is wearing off and he needs another bump.

"What do you mean?" Michael can read Luke like the back of his hand, knows to offer Luke the last few burns of the joint in his hand to take the edge off.

Luke takes it, moaning as he inhales. He always finds a way to romanticise drugs, sex and suicide but for him, they're only destructive.

"You know when you're a little kid and you get excited about everything? But then you grow up and gradually, nothing is exciting, nothing at all." Luke says and yes, Michael understands what he means, but he doesn't understand what Luke is trying to tell him. "I've found a way to be excited again and I'm addicted to it, it's freedom."

"Explain." Michael tells him.

"I'm addicted Michael, I can't stop. If I find a place where I could chose death, then I'm excited and I can't stop looking for it." Luke exclaims, his eyes have brightened again from the weed.

Michael isn't shocked, it's no secret that Luke is completely and utterly obsessed with death. Except this admission is almost worrying, it's the closest Luke has come to telling him he wants to end it. "You're telling me that we're stood here because you could jump to your death?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm telling you." Luke smiles so brightly. He's happy because if anyone will understand him, Michael will.

"You're not going to do it are you?" The cars rumble past beneath them and the lights of the city keep shining as these two insignificant boys talk about something insignificant to this big city.

"No. I like having the choice." Luke explains further. It puts Michaels mind to rest, at least for now. 

\-------

"I need to get high." Calum mumbles the next morning, the other boys still half asleep. All four of them are sharing a hotel room, there's two beds and a sofa. So Luke either crashes on the floor or shares with one of the other boys. Last night, him and Michael feel asleep in one of the beds after their stroll around the city. Ashton slept on the sofa in his clothes and Calum crashed in the other bed.

"I would join you." Michael mumbles back, he's not opened his eyes yet but he can already feel the dull black and white fuzzy feeling of being cold sober. His head resting on Luke's boney shoulder and their legs are tangled together.

Calum's out of bed now and he's stumbling around the room trying to find his bag, he's got some coke in there that he bought from a dude at their gig last night. He doesn't want a lot, he just wants enough to feel normal and not like his shoulders are being shoved down towards the ground. Once he's located it, he makes his way over to the coffee table so he can put the white powder into lines. Its seconds until he's feeling like himself again.

"Lines are on the table." Calum says to the other boys as he makes his way back to bed, to get comfy and maybe watch a movie with the lads.

Luke's woken up by Michael fidgeting next to him. "Stop moving." He moans into Michael's neck.

"Cokes on the table, I want a hit, get off of me you miserable lump." Michael laughs softly as he wrestles Luke off of him gently.

"Coke makes you horny." Luke tells Michael, like he doesn't already know that. "I'm sharing a bed with you."

"Don't pretend your morning wood isn't pressing against my thigh right now you little shit." Michael says as he finally manages to untangle them and get up to make his way over to the table.

"I want rough dirty high sex." Luke says as if it's an explanation for why he's been pressing himself into Michael most of the night.

"Don't we all." Michael laughs at him as he snorts a line.

"I got some last night." Calum teases Luke. "Ashton was passed out on the sofa, she was screaming like a fucking pornstar and he didn't even flinch."

Michael makes his way back to Luke's side, suddenly overwhelmingly guilty because Ashton didn't wake up when Michael was fucking his baby sister into the mattress either. He’s been a terrible friend and he knows, has this horrible feeling that it’s going to blow up in his face eventually.

"I'm awake now, you dick." Ashton mumbles, his voice is rough in the mornings but today it's barely there. He sounds like he smoked a years supply of Marlboros. "And I have the hangover from hell."

"Coke is on the table." Calum smiles, knows Ashton will need it to recover from the night before.

"I want some but I don't want to move." Luke groans as he watches Ashton, seeing the feeling of normality sink into his face as he slowly finds his happy place.

"You're a lazy shit." Michael laughs and prods him in the ribs as Luke yawns and closes his eyes again, his head resting on Michael's arm.

 

\--------

Luke's first thought when he wakes up again is that he's drowning and out of control, it's frustrating and tearing into his mind. He needs to feel freedom again, needs to have the choice between death and life and he will be okay again. Except they're in a hotel room and the boys are all high and Luke wants to fuck everything up.

So he screams. He screams as loudly as he can and his throat feels like it's tearing open. Michael wakes up immediately, startled awake by the noise and thrashing of Luke's arms. Calum and Ashton look over from where they're having an acoustic jam session on the other bed. They're faces are shocked and questioning, but Luke carries on screaming. He's clawing at his face with his nails and trying to find a way to not be this frustrated.

"Luke, man, calm down." Michael tries to tell him, grabbing Luke's wrists and getting his nails away from his face.

"I hate this." Luke whines pathetically, completely fed up. "I hate everything but what I love."

To the other boys, he is making no sense, but Michael knows what he means. He knows that Luke can't find anything to keep him satisfied except for the choice of death.

"We're gonna find something that makes you happy, something that's not that." Michael whispers, like a promise between two teenagers in love for the first time. "We're gonna find some excitement, you're gonna be happy."

Michael wraps his arms around Luke as they lie back down, he's shaking and he looks like he is going to cry. Michael can see the frustration and conflict behind his eyes. "We'll find something." Michael promises as he presses a kiss to Luke's temple and runs his fingers through Luke's hair until the shaking has stopped and Luke is half asleep again.

"What was that about?" Ashton asks him, once Luke is fully asleep and snoring. They've been a band for nearly 3 years now, they're the closest a group of 4 boys could be and they don't keep secrets from each other.

"He's got this thing." Michael tries to explain, but has no idea how to start. "It's like, he's not satisfied unless he's in a situation where he could die. Told me it's the only time he feels excited."

"What? He wants to die?" Ashton questions, it's not shocking.

"No, well maybe, I think he just likes to have the choice." Michael says, still stroking Luke's messy blond hair while he sleeps.

"Fucking hell." Calum sighs. "Just recently, the kids a complete wreck."

"It's not his fault." Michael needs to make that clear, it's not Luke's fault that this is happening.

"I know that, we need to find a way to help him otherwise he's gonna tear himself to the ground." Calum is biting his nails, worried about his friend and wondering what they could do that might help him.

"He won't want us to interfere." Ashton comments. "He never does."

"Yeah well, what if one day he makes the choice?" Michael questions, he's spoken his worst fear out loud. He knew it was what they were all thinking. Nobody says anything, the room is silent apart from Luke's gentle breathing while he sleeps.

\--------

"New York!" Luke screams at the crowd. "I want you to sing like it is your last night on this earth, because this is our last song." The crowd are going crazy, if there is one thing that Luke is good at it's getting a crowd of people riled up enough to love the heavy distorted guitars and pounding drums. They love hearing Luke sing about what he is really feeling, it is what he can’t say out loud because he just doesn’t know how to. Michael recognises the look on their faces when the lights fall onto them, it’s a look of understanding and it makes Michael sick that Lukes blunt suicidal love letters that he disguises as songs could be exactly what these hundreds of people are feeling too.

"This song is called Dead Wrong." Calum introduces it as they start to play the first few notes.

Luke is high out of his mind on a cocktail of drugs and shots, Michael's surprised he can stand up. He watched Luke inject god even knows what tonight, watched him as he looked at Michael as if to say 'I’ll do whatever I want.' It was a worrying moment for Michael, especially because of all the shit going on with Luke, he was worried he would make the choice and overdose. Luckily, he didn't.

Luke's not focused, he's shaky and his skin feels hot to touch, it tingles under his fingers and it feels amazing. He's forgotten the mixture of things that he's taken tonight, but god he should have remembered so he could feel like this again. He's buzzing with happiness, it's seeping out of his veins and into his muscles. He feels weightless, like he could fly away any second, but he's still managing to get the lyrics out. He's rock hard, completely fucked out of his mind horny from the drugs and the feeling. He just wants to touch.

As they walk off of the stage, he adjusts himself in his trousers and moans loudly. He's never cared about privacy, his band have all seen his dick before, in fact his band have seen him pound chicks into his mattress and they've never cared. On the road, there is no privacy. If one of them pulls, the others will watch. Sometimes they'll fuck the same chick, sometimes they'll do it at the same time. Luke's favourite thing to do is to bang some slutty groupie girl in one bed, while Calum does the same in the other bed it's like a competition, see who can make their girl come the hardest, scream the loudest, last the longest. The point is, his band won't care that he's rubbing himself through his trousers a few feet away from them, desperate and moaning for something.

Michael laughs at him when he notices. Laughs like this is the funniest thing he's ever seen.

"What?" Luke asks, he's going to go and find some girl as soon as this conversation is over. Wants to bang all night, over and over, until he's satisfied.

Calum joins in with the laughter as they walk towards their van, except it's then that Luke remembers they're leaving New York tonight. Driving through the night to get to the next god damn city on the tour. They have to leave now to be there in time for sound check tomorrow afternoon. He’d completely forgotton.

"Fuck." He says as he realises and lets out a moan of utter frustration.

"Everyone ready?" Ashton says as he walks up behind them. Ashton's completely sober, he'd gotten the short straw of driving them this leg of the tour. He's loaded their kit into the van and suddenly they're ready to leave. 

Calum sits up front with Ashton, connecting his iPod to some punk acoustic remixes which help with the comedown from the show that the just played. Michael and Luke sit in the back, resting against each other and ready for the ridiculously long drive ahead of them. Luke is still rock hard in his jeans, can't help but run a hand over himself and squeeze because the drugs have made everything tingle within him. He moans helplessly into Michael's shoulder, biting down gently.

"Don't." Michael warns him, he just wants to sleep through the drive without Luke nibbling on his shoulder. "Can I though?" Luke whispers in his ear, voice desperate. It’s like he’s apologizing for asking.

"Can you what?" Michael yawns in response, he's sobering up and he won't be able to stay awake much longer.

"Jerk off." Luke says, still squeezing himself through his jeans and Michael doesn't know why he bothered to ask.

"Dude, if you do it, can I?" Calum says from the front seat, Calum didn’t take anywhere near as many drugs as Luke did tonight but Calum is used to coming of stage and finding a groupie to celebrate the buzz of being on stage with.

"Yeah, I'm so fucking horny. I need it." Luke moans, again his breath hitches as he slides a hand into his own jeans. He's not gonna watch Calum, they don't do that, but he sees him do the same out of the corner of his eye.

It's not gonna take long at all, he's thrusting into his hand and his whole body is on fire. It feels like his chest is going to explode from the pleasure of it. Calum sounds close too.

"Want me to?" Michael whispers into his ear. Luke doesn't know what he's talking about, but Michael could do anything right now and he'd be happy.

So when Michael puts his hands around Luke's neck and squeezes harshly it comes as a complete surprise. He'd forgotten telling the boys he wanted to be choked while they were drunk and sharing some of their favourite bedroom antics the previous week. He can't breathe through Michael's hold on his neck and he's spluttering and coughing for breath, but Michael doesn't give in he carries on squeezing Luke's neck between his hands. Luke's whole body explodes with pleasure, he comes unexpectedly and violently over his black jeans and Michael's hoodie.

Michael's smirking at him as he lets go of Luke's neck, allowing him to breathe again. His breath shuddering with aftershocks.

"Holy shit." Luke whispers as they hear Calum finish up in the front seat. "You remembered."

"I never forget." Michael laughs. Letting Luke rest his head in the crook of his neck and catch his breath.

"Love you." Luke whispers as his eyes droop. It's as though his orgasm has made the drugs in his system calm down.

"Love you more." Michael says as he leans against the door frame and they fall asleep huddled next to each other.

 

\-------

"Pull over." Luke says from the back seat, calm but with rising urgency in his voice.

"Can I get to the next truck stop?" Ashton asks, looking in his mirror to see what the problem is.

"No, I'm gonna puke." He can feel it, knows it's gonna be about 20 seconds until his body is trying to get everything out of his system.

"Fuck." Ashton hits the indicator to pull over to the side of the dark and gloomy road they've been driving on for the last 3 hours.

10\. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. The car pulls to a stop. 4. Luke pulls the door handle open. 3. He leans over Michael's sleeping form. 2. He sticks his head out of the open door. 1. Vomits all over the side of the road.

Calum decides now would be a good time to get out and take a leak and Ashton joins him, both of them heading towards the bushes. Luke is left draped over his best friend, vomiting with his head stuck out of the door. Sometimes, his life sucks.

"Get off." Michael mumbles as he wakes up. "I'm tired."

"I'm throwing up." Luke fires back at him as he heaves up more of the contents of his stomach onto the gravel below. That wakes Michael up properly, he opens his eyes and takes in the situation, his hand coming down to rub Luke's back.

"Could you not have gotten out of the car?" Michael laughs.

"Didn't have time. Sorry." He is sorry, vomit has splashed on the side of his best friends jeans.

"I'll wash them eventually." Mikey smiles as he realises. "But could you get off now, I'm gonna take a leak while we've stopped."

"Yeah, I think I'm gonna be here awhile." Luke mumbles. Getting out of the van and collapsing onto the gravel as his stomach continues to empty itself.

Michael wanders off to take a leak as Calum and Ashton return to the van.

"You okay?" Cal asks as he sits down next to Luke.

"I'm fine, just coming down." Luke sighs.

"I've got some drugs but I think you might be better to just sleep considering we've got another 14 hours to drive." Ashton recommends, but the offer is still there.

Something snaps within Luke though, something breaks and suddenly he has an overwhelming want to make the right choice this time."I want to die right now." Luke says deadly seriously. He doesn't want drugs, he wants death.

"No you don't. You want to feel alive." Ashton tries to stop Luke thinking about it.

"No. I don't. I don't want life. I chose something else." Luke has his head in his hands, he's still heaving onto the pavement but it looks like he's about to have a full fledged breakdown.

"Luke. You can't leave us, you can't leave me." Calum says, slightly broken up. It hurts him when Luke talks like this, like it would be so easy to leave them without a second thought.

"It's my choice." Luke gasps out as another wave of vomit hits the gravel. It's then that he realises how wrong everything is, he wasn't supposed to spend his life high out of his mind throwing up on the edge of a road in some foreign country at 19 years old. His breathing hitches and he's flooded with panic, realising he's lost everyone apart from these three boys. He's going to lose them too. Everyone leaves. He's panicking, can't get his breath as tears start to form in his eyes.

"Luke. Calm down." Ashton says, rubbing his back. It's not working though and Luke is getting hysterical, clawing at his wrists and tearing the skin open with his nails, trying to cause as much damage to himself as possible.

"Stop." Calum panics. "Stop, Luke, please." Calum always takes this to heart, feels like he's not enough to make Luke want to stay, cries himself to sleep at night with the thought of his best friend wanting to end his life. They’re all each other have got, the four of them.

It's then that everything happens in slow motion, Luke reaches into his pocket and pulls out a razor. It's tiny, obviously from a pencil sharpener and it's glistening in the moonlight. Luke's sobbing and Ashton realises that there is no good way that this can end, they're miles away from anything in the middle of buttfuck nowhere and Luke is going to do something stupid.

"Michael!!!" Calum screams. "Michael, get over here right now!"

"Give me that, you're being stupid Luke, c'mon man. Please give me it." Ashton tries to remain calm, but Luke's holding the razor against his wrist.

"You fuck." Michael shouts as he takes in the situation, running towards them. He pushes Luke's back as hard as he can, forcing him to fall face first and drop the razor. "You're a prick. Get in the van."

Michael practically grabs him by the collar and shoves him into the van. Leaving the razor shining on the pavement. Ashton and Calum climb into the van, both shook up but Calum's crying softly to himself. Michael is the one that can control Luke, he can force him to see sense when the other boys start to panic.

"I leave you for 2 minutes to take a fucking piss and this is what you do?" Michael asks Luke once he's climbed back into the van. He's forcing Luke too look at him, has his hands on Luke's cold cheeks.

"I don't want this." Luke sobs. Tears leaking onto Michael's fingers. Michael knows that this worrying episode has happened because Luke is coming down, hard, but he is shaken up and terrified of what his best friend is capable of. His mood swings are bad enough, but teamed with all the drugs Luke insists on taking, Luke is unpredictable.

"I know you don't want this, I know." Michael says, one hand holding the back of Luke's head now and the other rubbing soft patterns into his arm. "You've got to sort yourself out, these last few weeks you've been out of control. It scares me. I never want to see you with a razor to your wrist again."

Nobody says anything else, but there's an unresolved tension in the air. Ashton has one hand on Calum's shoulder in a comforting gesture, the other on the steering wheel. Calum is sniffing and picking at his nails, probably trying not to reach into his backpack for a hit. It's hard being sober at a time like this. Michael has Luke in his lap, stroking his hair and trying to get him to go to sleep. It's not working through, Luke is sobbing and he won't stop. His wrists are red raw and it's a reminder of what he could have succeed in this time.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know what you think! Thanks for reading.


End file.
